From down the subway platform come the almost haunting sounds of a group singing Amazing Grace a cappella. The rich, feel-it-in-your bones sound of the men, with the lighter, higher voices of women, echoing through the station.
I’m particular struck by it now, tears welling up. I’m raw today, particularly sensitive. Coming up against all that I don’t know. Realizing I have no idea what it means to work through something with someone. To have made a mistake, and have them not disappear.
My deepest wounds come from people not sticking around to muck about in the mess with me. Adults ending conversations, leaving, avoiding, talking over, emotionally dominating. And being only a kid who didn’t know what to do with it all, other than to grow up to resist intimacy.
Last night, the tension that had been brewing for days erupted. Assumptions were made, frustrations with each other showing the intensity of the past 3 weeks, which feel more like months due to the closeness and intimacy of living together while getting to know each other.
My mind is full of questions and worries following our words with each other. Did I mess up too much? Are we going to keep trying this? Will we work through it? Or, is this it?
All this is compounded by the ephemeral state of our ‘us’ that we are building. There is an end coming, a tourist visa only lasts so long. Though finding each other feels like no small thing, we come from different places, different cultures, different interests and lives.
I wrote out my thoughts, leaving them in a letter which he read while I was out on my run. Our breakfast is quiet, unspoken thoughts sitting in the room with us. A few tentative kisses, testing the waters. I want to cry out – are you leaving?! What will happen with us??!
But I hold back, finding courage to not be needy, to trust that this ‘us’ isn’t as fragile as I fear it is. And finding the courage to be ok, no matter what happens.
“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.”
As the voices swirl around me, I hope that I, too, can find ways to see and trust.