I. Will. Not. Pursue.

I might have written about my dilemma about whether 2 (or 3) chances is too much, but really, I don’t have that much willpower. or high standards. or something like that….

Joe blew me off on Sunday.  Then we tried to get together on Tuesday. Texts back and forth, plans made, then canceled – mostly all on his end. Apologies abounded, though effort was made on his end.

So, Thursday, we tried again. He told me that he would not cancel. I wrote him something about 3 strikes. Then, an hour before we were suppose to meet, he wrote and said – I hate to do this, but I’m delayed at work. I laughed out loud – really?! He asked if we could push back, but I was suppose to meet my brother for dinner. Things were left up in the air.

That night, I went to my local bar, where I was meeting my brother, but a bit early. Figured I could regroup, write, think, take a few minutes for myself in an otherwise insanely busy week. I walked into the mostly empty bar, went to the bar, greeted the bartender (yep, I’m a local) and immediately saw Joe from across the bar.

He smiled, said hi and moved over to sit next to me.

I had hoped you would come over here‘ he said.

I thought you were busy with work‘ was my my response.

You never texted back‘ he said.

What was there to say, Joe, when you were canceling on me again?

Except he wasn’t. He hadn’t.

He just couldn’t meet at 3:30, but instead at 4:30. And I misunderstood. And he wasn’t clear.

But there we were – on our first ‘date’. And my brother was due to show up in 45 minutes.

And he was handsome and fun and funny and he made me nervous, in the best of ways.

So…. that’s awkward…. you need to talk fast (not really fast, but with limited time) and you want to get to know each other, and you want to present well and all the rest…. and I knew my brother was showing up. Any minute.

He was witty and interesting, with a great smile.

And then my brother showed up. And I wanted to see him. And I didn’t want my conversation with Joe to end.

Joe met my brother. And it was awkward. And so he left.

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Later that evening, I texted Joe and said that I was glad he was at the bar. He responded that he couldn’t read me – but was glad that I wanted to see him again. He was kind and complimentary and told me how he wanted to see me again. We texted about how we wanted to hang out. It felt positive – and I was excited. There was a level of honesty – him telling me that if we hooked up, he wanted it to be monogamous – I told him that I was only looking for a relationship, not random hook ups. It felt good to put out my truth, right from the beginning. To name, truthfully, what I want.

And he wrote that he hoped I stayed interested. That felt nice. Really nice.

The next day, I had to leave for a conference.

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The night I was coming back from the conference – I wrote him about getting together this week. He said he had to work all week. And I am gone this weekend.

And, we both have been on OKC (it’s just too easy to stalk online and find out that he is online. even when he is suppose to be at work, which means that he is looking – which, rationally, is fine – we were only on a 45-fucking minute date! – but still….. I want him to want to hang out with me. only)

He suggested I come down to his work (he works at a restaurant), but did not tell me where it is. I invited him to the bar for a beer (he was working). I feel like I have put out the effort, and not getting much back….

This might not happen….

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I want to get to know him. I want to try and see what happens. I want to find out about him. I’d like him to want to see me, to try to make plans, to not be looking online.

I have a problem with effort – in that I am really good at effort. I put out a lot of it.

I am working to remind myself in this situation – even though he was complimentary, even though he thinks I am beautiful, if he doesn’t put in some effort, if he doesn’t try to make things happen – it just isn’t worth it.

I need to remember – I am worth being pursued.  I am worth someone making an effort.  I am worthy.

I. Am. Worthy.

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