The way my fun little anxieties with abandonment play out is that I tend to go for men who are unavailable (more on that later) and then go for them with all the effort I have put into all other aspects of my life – college (#struggle), professional life (#success). I have made it to where I am today – a place I feel really proud of – through sheer grit, determination and hard work (and yes, probably a little luck).
Turns out relationships are not the same way.
But, as of yet, that hasn’t stopped me.
I put in a good day’s work. And by a good day’s work – I mean, a NYC-style day’s work, overtime and all.
I make eye contact, I smile, I approach men, I give my phone number, I suggest we go out, I ask out, I make small talk at the bar, I flirt.
(not all at the same time – that would just make me a freak! and come on, I’m not that crazy! or bold.)
I decided two or so years ago that if I wanted the relationship that I dreamed of, I needed to put effort into it. And, so, I used the formula I have used for all the other things in my life that I have wanted (and have gotten) – work for it!
So, I did. I signed up for online dating, I emailed guys, I tried to talk to guys, I gave my phone number to a guy on the subway (oh, that’s a good story – I promise to tell that one!). I went out dancing and took language classes and went to the cafés and bars.
And I met men, some. I went on dates, some.
But nothing panned out. Nothing morphed into the relationship I dreamed of. It ended up looking like this:
A(100% +100%) + B(25%-100% + 25%) = 0
(for those of you not feeling comfortable with math YET – that is me being authentic and giving and working and the dude – maybe being authentic, but only giving a little – just enough to hook me in)
That formula doesn’t work anymore.
So now, now I am trying a new tactic. Only giving 50%. Or maybe not quite that — giving 100%, but only doing 50% of the work. I am still me – my overexcited, eager, isn’t-that-the-coolest-thing-ever self — but I have decided that I cannot do all the work anymore.
A (100% + 50%) + B(100%+ 50%) = YAY!
I’m excited for someone to show up, to put in some effort, to demonstrate that he wants to go out with me – even pursue me a little bit! I am not saying that he needs to do all the work — just that, you know…. maybe the teeter-totter evens out a little bit.