50%

The way my fun little anxieties with abandonment play out is that I tend to go for men who are unavailable (more on that later) and then go for them with all the effort I have put into all other aspects of my life – college (#struggle), professional life (#success).  I have made it to where I am today – a place I feel really proud of – through sheer grit, determination and hard work (and yes, probably a little luck).

Turns out relationships are not the same way.

But, as of yet, that hasn’t stopped me.

I put in a good day’s work.  And by a good day’s work – I mean, a NYC-style day’s work, overtime and all.

I make eye contact, I smile, I approach men, I give my phone number, I suggest we go out, I ask out, I make small talk at the bar, I flirt.

(not all at the same time – that would just make me a freak! and come on, I’m not that crazy! or bold.)

I decided two or so years ago that if I wanted the relationship that I dreamed of, I needed to put effort into it.  And, so, I used the formula I have used for all the other things in my life that I have wanted (and have gotten) – work for it!

So, I did.  I signed up for online dating, I emailed guys, I tried to talk to guys, I gave my phone number to a guy on the subway (oh, that’s a good story – I promise to tell that one!). I went out dancing and took language classes and went to the cafés and bars.

And I met men, some.  I went on dates, some.

But nothing panned out. Nothing morphed into the relationship I dreamed of.  It ended up looking like this:

A(100% +100%) + B(25%-100% + 25%) = 0

(for those of you not feeling comfortable with math YET – that is me being authentic and giving and working and the dude – maybe being authentic, but only giving a little – just enough to hook me in)

That formula doesn’t work anymore.

So now, now I am trying a new tactic.  Only giving 50%.  Or maybe not quite that — giving 100%, but only doing 50% of the work.  I am still me – my overexcited, eager, isn’t-that-the-coolest-thing-ever self — but I have decided that I cannot do all the work anymore.

A (100% + 50%) + B(100%+ 50%) = YAY!

I’m excited for someone to show up, to put in some effort, to demonstrate that he wants to go out with me – even pursue me a little bit!  I am not saying that he needs to do all the work — just that, you know…. maybe the teeter-totter evens out a little bit.

 

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4 thoughts on “50%

  1. I am so loving reading your blog!! I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, humor, and self-awareness. Thank you for letting me into your world. You are so awesome!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. +1 to Emily’s comment. You are incredible, hilarious, and strong. Don’t forget your 100% + 50% gets multiplied by amazing in all you do. You just need to wait for the dude who’s up to par.

    Liked by 1 person

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